HOW TO LIVE IN VENICE WHEN DADDY'S FORGOTTEN TO PUT THE ALLOWANCE IN by HARRY INGHAM (2007)

For the last few days, my usually reliable father has forgotten to bump up The Bank Account. Although not appearing to be a major problem, realising that one could not eat lunch, party or pay for the vaporetto (as the Feb card has run out) it does prove to be rather tiresome however. Initially the lunch problem is an easy obstacle. Bread rolls at breakfast are a godsend; thick in texture and easy to slice they provide a perfect base for lunch. The cream cheese and salami are also great fillers. Storage whilst sitting through hot lectures is also free - the plastic sanitary bag in the loo provides a perfect lunchbox, big enough also for the apple provided at breakfast. Therefore when all your friends that you have spent six weeks with are buying their €1.80 pizza slice (and not buying you one) you can chuckle slyly to yourself, thinking 'this is all free'.

And on top of that I'm having part of my daily fruit requirement!'. On the other hand, partying (if you want to) at night is another whole story. Initially a friendly acquaintance with Marco at Duchamp's a good bet for later. Free beers may be scrounged when the going gets tough, and the John Hall free shot system is fantastic, especially as they are disgusting and nobody wants them. Phones can be a problem if you are on the Pay as You Go but have no money to Pay to Go and ring pater. The vaporetto can be a problem if you have the sort of face that attracts the ticket inspector (sit at the front, pick up the free paper and studiously read it pretending to be Venetian). On the other hand, the honest thing to do is walk (a long and tiresome activity) watching your wealthy friends sail off into the sunset, patronisingly waving at you.

Finally, the phone rings and Mummy and Daddy are wondering how their little baby is, having not been able to decipher your teen txt lngwg and have accidentally deleted your last desperate answerphone message. Your patience begine to run out but do not scream down the phone at them, calm down, otherwise they'll go into the whole "we've paid for your gap year and you're wanting more money!" routine. Ask politely and it will come. And it does. You've got it. You are restored and you can go out and laugh at the ones who have to walk, who have to eat picnics instead of greasy pizza. And best of all, who can't get into Piccolo's. Yes.